Old Standards and New Hopes
I was talking to my friend Alex A. the other day while he was having potty trouble. He was on the toilet and thought he needed another wipe (just to be safe), but that would’ve entailed him getting up and getting a new roll of TP. He asked me whether he should finish then and there or go get a new role, but I hit him with option number tres: “Are you gonna be taking a shower later?” I asked. He replied affirmative and I helped him circumvent a troubling dilemma.
I have this feeling, and I can’t tell how well it’s based on fact, but I’ve got it, and it says: “Simon, you’ve become a problem solver.” I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said something like “You have a strong instinct for helping your friends,” which was nice, but also fit neatly into my new feeling. In any event, I have an internship this summer working for the San Francisco Foundation - a big non-profit that does community shit - and I’m going to try to put my hunch to the test. Do any of you ever find my advice particularly useful?
As a side note: I was eating sushi the other day with my mom, sister, my cousin and his wife. At the wedding of this cousin, the caterers served something called Hawaiian Butterfish, which was delicious. The day after the wedding I got a severe case of Keriorrhea, which, aside from being a cool band name, is also “greasy orange colored stools which results from the consumption of indigestible wax esters found in oil fish and escolar.” Apparently, since it doesn’t cause pain or serious health problems, escolar hasn’t been regulated away in the US. It is sold deceptively under many names including “Snake Mackerel,” “White Tuna,” and “Hawaiian Motherfucking Butterfish.” Anyway, the sashimi combo plate came with a few slices of the Butterfish. My mom, my cousin and his wife each had a piece, despite my warnings. Although they were small pieces, there is a fair chance that their asses are currently barfing up an oily shit-slick. Please, take some time to learn the different names of escolar and oilfish - it could save you from no small amount of embarrassment and ruined underwear. Please, if you find escolar or oilfish on a restaurant’s menu, inform the management politely of those who have suffered. If you accidentally consume escolar, stay calm, and buy some adult diapers. Seriously. The oily movements are not painful, not distinguishable from a regular passing of gas in any way until it’s too late.